Giving Emotional Support

The major reason for relating to other people is for emotional support. You also realize that you have to give some to get some, and that many of us have to learn to give it. Here is a collection of recommendations for giving emotional support. Allow yourself to experiment and risk your feelings. Remember- emotional support is more than intellectual agreement with another person - it is saying and doing things that help another feel good.

I. Focus your attention directly on, and listen to, the person with whom you are talking. Watch the facial expressions and gestures. If you do not understand what is said, say so. Ask them to repeat or clarify if you are not sure what they are saying.

II. Listen to the feeling they are expressing: are they upset, worried, angry, confused, or just happy? You might respond by saying, “You seem upset (worried, angry, or whatever you see), “Are you feeling all right?” or “How do you feel?” Don’t tell a person how they feel - they know better than you.

III. Don’t tell them their feelings are wrong. A feeling is never wrong - you just have it. Try to accept a person’s feelings as all right, even if you disagree with their opinion or actions.

IV. Try to accept and understand negative feelings as normal; don’t say, “You shouldn’t feel that way.” You should say, “I’m sorry you feel that way.”

V. Say how you feel without criticisms or put-downs. You can say that you feel differently about the matter or that you disagree. If you ridicule them, or question their judgement, you are likely to turn them off.

VI. Give “I” messages instead of “YOU” messages. You get much better response when saying “I feel this way” or “I am upset (angry, worried, etc.).” Don’t say, “You are wrong.” “You make me madder than hell” or any other messages that places all the blame for a bad transaction on the other person. Assume responsibility for your poor reactions.

VII. Emotional support includes affection, compliments, saying thanks, giving help whenever asked and giving the other person priority when they ask for it. Hugs and kisses are daily needs and basic to any good relationship between the sexes.

VIII. Trusting the other person is a powerful form of emotional support. This means trusting their judgment first and saying you do often. You trust more when you share more. When you feel distrust creeping in, you should talk it over and explain why you feel that way.

IX. Try to avoid freezing-up and hiding your feelings by being silent. This silence withdraws emotional support. Set times to talk problems over.

X. Don’t expect all your emotional support from your mate or one friend. You need it from several people so that you don’t overload your mate. Plan time with friends that renew both of you emotionally. Accept their caring.